You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it's like iHOP with fire
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
