dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
