I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
