Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize