Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I can't put those talents on a resume
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
