Just fell off a train. Bad.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
