for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
