Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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