I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
