drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
