I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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