I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
