All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
