I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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