last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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