I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
