Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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