i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
