I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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