I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
