id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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