life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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