and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
