Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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