i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
