Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
