He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Your penis caused this!
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