there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
