i need an iv and a liver transplant
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
