OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
