Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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