mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
