and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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