If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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