I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
