god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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