there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
