If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
