he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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