either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
