Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My vagina is officially offended.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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