I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
