I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
