So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
