I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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