I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
