i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
