you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
