I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
