This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
