just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
