I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
