I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
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My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
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Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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