Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
