i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
