you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
