3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
