Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
