My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
