watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize