he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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