i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
