I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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