how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
